When a couple receives the news that they've lost their baby, they often mourn in privacy. Sometimes, not even close friends or family learn about this loss. Our society makes us think we're not supposed to talk about miscarriage. Instead of taking the time we need to mourn, routines go on as usual. You don't receive sympathy cards or bereavement time. There are no funerals or memorials. You're expected to pick yourself up and go about your day to day activities.
Each year in the United States alone an estimated 700,000 babies die in utero. That means one in seven pregnancies ends in miscarriage. So many people are misled in thinking that a miscarriage is a minor event in a woman's life because "it happens all the time." As if the knowledge of it's frequency makes the loss any less agonizing to endure.
People commonly say things like, "it really wasn't a baby yet," or "at least you weren't pregnant for very long," and "at least you didn't know your baby before it died." These things are usually said sincerely from people who only want to make you feel better, but unless you've been through a miscarriage you won't understand the grief these words bring.
What many people need to know, is the pain and grief suffered by those who have lost a precious baby to miscarriage is just as real as the grief of those who lose children at a later time in life.
As with so many other taboo topics, maybe the answer is simple - for people to be more open about miscarriage, to talk about their experiences, to not feel the pressure to hide an early pregnancy, and to openly grieve the loss of a baby. Because the only thing worse than losing something so precious - something that changed your life and meant the world to you, is pretending you lost nothing.
"To remember is painful. To forget is impossible." ~ Maureen Connelly
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
I Am A Mother
I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.
I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.
The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.
I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.
I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.
I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's Day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.
And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!
